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posted : 2004.Sep.18 @ 2.02am
I've decided to take a leap of faith and try something new.. to me, anyway... There is something I have been striving for in the past few years... something so illusive that I can't quite grasp. I recognised elements from this highly illusive Being around here, thus why the Fora intrigues me so. Air put it perfectly the other day... please don't mind my quote "A big chunk of us are on the path of higher conciousness, self evolution and enlightenment.."

Of course.. the fear of being a little on the young side for such a thing invades my mind when I seek out others with the same goals.. but then I remember that Higher Conciousness, Self Evolution and Enlightenment are all ageless beings.

In this thread I'm hoping to not only learn from others... through their shared experiences and thoughts.. but also to help those who may have wondered these things but are unsure of how to find the answers themselves.

Ahem.. and now hits the moment of hesitation and I wonder if I'm being too forward. I'll leave it open. Please.. muse, discuss, communicate in whichever way you feel most comfortable.

posted : 2004.Sep.18 @ 2.02am
I'm told many things. Things I'm not sure whether I should believe in. I'm a skeptic. I find it difficult to trust yet at the same time I trust without realising it. My conciousness is made of contradictions and thus leads to confusion.

From what I gather my thought process tends to differ from those around me. On a daily, somewhat average level, my thought is shallow.. just barely skimming the top. Quite often it is non existant. I "gap" for lack of a better word. The feeling is similar to the peaceful nothingness one can achieve by smoking weed. Thought flits out the window and I am left looking through the eyes of an empty husk surrounded by a peaceful calm.

On occasion I've found this to be a blessing because it allows me to detatch myself from emotion. All those miniscule tendrils that flit about unseen. Teasing and taunting and confusing themselves with my own emotions.. something I wish I could control better.

The rest of the time it makes me uncomfortable. Confidence, or a particular lack thereof, rises to the surface and sends ripples through that calm void. I'm ripped back to reality by a question. Uhm. What was the question? I'll reply with a blank look and an uneasy smile... my expression and lack of intelligent answer causing a brow to quirk and voices to hush. So I stay quiet. I observe... I shy away from banter.

I'm sorry. I should expand on that a little. "The rest of the time" generally tends to refer to when I'm around others. When I am alone the process is the same and the feeling is the same.. but the result tends to differ. If I have nothing troubling me, it turns into more a relaxation tool. More importantly, though, it is through this deep calm that I tend to find my 'answers'. I don't have a logical way of thinking... yet in my mind and heart I feel my way of thought is perfectly logical. I don't have the ability to compartmentalise like many do. I've tried and failed with finding pros and cons in a situation, then taking the most logical step. I'm uncomfortable with an action unless it comes from instinct.. yet at the same time I lack confidence in my instinct and often falter.

Because of these troublesome ways I've always thought this process to be detrimental. To mean that something was wrong with me and I really did lack the intelligence of most, even though I have proven myself to be quite the opposite.

The other night, however, I met and spoke with a clairvoyant. She knew nothing about me and even berated me when I allowed one simple aspect of my life to slip. A five minute reading turned into a twenty minute reading. Nearly everything she said about me felt as if there was truth behind her words and made me begin rethinking the way I consider certain aspects of my life. One of the first things she said to me was that I had the rare ability to easily reach a peaceful state of calm.

I never considered that to be a rare ability. I considered it a curse.

Maybe, though.. just maybe... there is indeed truth in this. There were other abilities she mentioned that come naturally to me.. ones I'm not sure what to think of.. but this one strikes me as being a Very Important Thing. What if I have been neglecting a natural talent due to misconception? What if I'm making a deal out of this too soon in my life? I am young yet, shouldn't I be thinking the careless thoughts of youth?

posted : 2004.Sep.18 @ 7.50am
MumbaiVibe, it looks to me as if you are a sensitive/empathic and a non-linear thinker. I am the same. I understand.

When one is a non-linear thinker answers come to you in a different way. Sean, my boyfriend, is a linear thinker. When I ask him a question he seems to go through steps to get to the answer, kind of like a math problem.

When someone asks me a question, there seems to be no thought going on. My conscious mind is blank. Then out of nowhere the answer hits me.

The expressions you see on others faces when you answer may be due to the fact that what you have said is spot on. Probably not a way they have thought before about it. I have had and do have the same experience. I will say something and people suddenly seem blank. What I have learned is that many times their minds suddenly go out into the stratosphere.

Never doubt your intelligence simply because you think differently. Those who question themselves the way you do are intelligent.

I began questioning myself around the age of 13. I could see those around me being so different to how I experienced things. Age has nothing to do with it. You just have to face the fact that you were born a conscious being. Be grateful for that. Many people have to experience the 2x4 effect before they wake up.

posted : 2004.Sep.18 @ 9.10am
Indeed.. it is a thing I've questioned since an earlier age.. but until recently it is also something that I have railed against. Looking back on my life in the past few years I can see all the wasted and misdirected energy. Well. Not wasted, per se. Wasteful yet with the intent of climaxing to a point where I had to take a step back and look at it for what it is.

The example I used of people giving me a blank look was more directed toward those questions they ask which requires a knowledge of useless trivia or very simple concepts. I'm horrible with useless trivia and when it comes to those 'simple' concepts I feel as if I've hit a brick wall. I have a tendency to pick up on the obscure and to me that is simplicity.

However, when you mentioned the way people look when given the answer they weren't expecting.. yes.. I have those times come to mind as well. It's only in the past five or so years that I've been allowing myself to slowly accept those for what they are and give the answers I feel need to be given. When I was younger I was surrounded by some of High Influence who wanted the typical answer. If I didn't make these persons happy with my obscure answers I would get that look and my world would crumble... not only would it be blank surprise but it would tend toward disaproval.

I believe I've run across a few others who think the same way I do.. but not nearly to the extent that I do. It could possibly be because I have a tendency to question the process. The clairvoyant I met the other day had something about her, though. I don't know if the state of thought is natural for her because she was still coming down from her reading while we discussed.. but during that reading I know for a fact her answers came to her the way mine normally do. The sense of calm and peace that surrounded her nearly took my breath away and nearly took me away with it.

I almost didn't post last night with that hesitation.. thinking I was just being silly and making a deal out of something that wasn't there. I'm glad I did, though. It's comforting and intriguing to know and be able to discuss something of this nature to someone of like mind.

Thank you.

posted : 2004.Sep.23 @ 6.23pm
Not so long ago I was of the mind that birth signalled death. It was nothing but a beginning for the process of decay. I read a quote just now "Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun." I don't know who the original author is or was because it was a friend's name on my MSN list.

After reading that I realised I no longer thing with that frame of mind.

Birth is not death begun. Birth is the beginning of a stage toward a higher conciousness and death is the passage into that state for most.

Interesting how one's views change and one doesn't realise it till it appears in a mystical 'aha'.

posted : 2004.Sep.23 @ 8.08pm
The quote is from Bishop Joseph Hall.
Moral philosopher, satirist and miscellaneous writer (1574-1656)

Good for you for recognizing that for yourself. Sounds like what you experienced was a paradigm shift. I love those!

The death/birth occurrence is also known as the Dark Night of the Soul. Although, that is a description of a heavier experience. That is a hard one to put into words. I do know that after going through one that the next day there is a feeling of elation and newness that is so wonderful and powerful. Hence the feeling of rebirth.

A great book to read about all of this is Mysticism; The preeminent study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual consciousness. By Evelyn Underhill.

posted : 2004.Sep.24 @ 8.49am
It all sounds very interesting. The birth/death thing has been something I've pondered on and off since I was quite young. My earliest memory of thinking about it is in around the age of 11 or 12... and I have a feeling it came earlier than that (I was always the strange quiet one).

I've never really considered doing research on it, though. I'm horrible at sitting down and reading a book that describes something. For me that goes in one side and out the other. I'm very much a tactile learner.

posted : 2004.Sep.24 @ 9.52am
I too enjoy learning hands on. This book sort of fell into my lap when I happened to be going through what it describes. I did not nor do not do research on that subject as I feel information comes to me as I need it. As did the book I mentioned.

The dark night of the soul, as melodramatic as it may sound, is just that. It's not something one experiences often in life. Some may never. I know that Sean says he has not. I keep trying to come up with ways in which to put the experience into words, but for me it is indescribable.

The death/birth experience isn't necessarily the same thing. Meaning, the dark night is a rebirth once you get through it, but not every rebirth is that heavy.

One can renew oneself everyday!

posted : 2004.Sep.24 @ 5.13pm
I've tried looking this topic up on the internet and have found a few things that strike me as being vaguly familliar. One being described as a great depression and eventually coming out of it by way of realisation. I would imagine they're speaking of the type of depression where eventually no emotion or event can shatter that void of nothingness that consumes the entirety of one's soul. The simplest description I can think of for this type of depression is knowing you need to cry.. wanting to cry... and nothing. You look at things in a detatched sort of way and know they should bother you.. and sometimes they do.. but in the end you just don't feel. You go through the correct process physically but your conciousness is elsewhere without knowing quite where.

Heh.. now I feel as if I'm being overly dramatic and should be quiet... and I seem to have lost where I was trying to go with this...

posted : 2004.Oct.28 @ 8.56am
Two things fill my thoughts recently.
Two things that bother me.

The first being one that frightens me to an extent.
That is the fact that I love to fall in love.. more so than the average person.
I fall in and out of love as often as the weather changes in Calgary... which is too often.
I fear I will miss a great love by overlooking what I have and wondering if there's something better.

The second being one that saddens my heart.
We had to put a cat down the other day because he was sick.
I hadn't realised quite how much I had attached myself to him... as I still find myself fighting back tears.
It's been a few days, but when I woke this morning I felt the urge to reach over the head of my bed where he normally lies and pet him.
I've found that if I'm nonchalant and a little callous about it, I can deal when others are around.
When I'm alone, though...
I miss him.

posted : 2004.Nov.06 @ 11.12pm

My head spins with the desire to sleep as I move about. The glass in my hand is cold to the touch as I set it on the night table, condensation beading quickly in the evening heat. The tart, almost peach like flavour still on my tongue as my fingers glide smoothly off the glass. Slowly. Carefully. I pull the corner of the topmost cover from the bed and fold it over. My body yearning to relax. My head needing the feel of the pillow beneath it like a man dying of thirst needs water.

The texture of the blanket under my hands is a coarse one. The rough fibres rubbing against my already sensitised skin causing shivers to run down my back as the side of my face comes in contact with the material next. With a slight grumble I reach under and grab one of the pillows. So soft. So pliable as it cushions my head like the embrace of a loved one. The crisp, soft white linen so different in feel and texture to the wool blanket that I am nearly taken by surprise.. and would be if it weren't for the fact I was so tired.

The muscles of my body begin to rest as I curl my legs up protectively. My hand reaching in behind me for the blanket I moved in what seems like forever ago. My other hand curling up and resting near my chin. Fingers uncurl as they relax just a little. My already heavy eyes closing more, grateful for the darkness of the room.

An hour, I think. I'll only be here an hour. That should make me feel better.

The blanket covers me now. The corner bundled and tucked in under my chin, reminiscent of days old when a stuffed animal would sit in that place. My body is almost completely relaxed as I give in to that which has wanted to claim me. I breathe deeply. The faint scent of A5-35 mixed with the unique smell of my mother fills my nostrils.

I feel like a child once again. Visiting and getting sick. Mother tucking me into her bed so I can rest and get better. She can be so frustrating at times, but she loves me with the love only a mother can give. For that I would forgive her anything... and I have.

My mind wanders. The feel of love and family felt deeper than it has in a while. The seemingly long forgotten desire to have a family of my own stirring within my heart. As blissful darkness creeps closer, those thoughts and desires begin to fade in a myriad of colour. Already forgotten pictures forming and flitting across my vision. Fading till there is nothing and sleep has claimed me.


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