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posted : 2004.Aug.08 @ 8.54pm
I've been playing with a stream of consciousness exercise where I sit down to write with no agenda and whatever comes out, comes out. I do a tiny edit on the re-read, but then put it quickly to bed. It's just to keep the juices flowing, not to be perfect...

This one came out last night around 2:00am. Comments and participation very welcome.

____________________________________________________________________

August 8, 2004

In front of the house I stood with my rainboots on.
The boots were rubber and strange, and I was plastic
and stranger. Nothing was real in that instant, and
nothing wasn't. My thoughts were clashing in a way I
couldn't really understand, didn't like, but also
didn't want to stop thinking. Water seeped down into
my hair, my socks, my boots, myself, and when I was
thoroughly wet, I said to myself "You've got to stop
doing it this way."

I thought about leaving, about running, about other
places and people, about indecision, about him. I
squeezed shut my eyes, but received no visions.
Questions went unanswered, and the minutes distracted
me with their tap-dancing on pavement. I cried.
Water mixed with water, and nothing was resolved.

When the sun shone through the clouds again, I
unclenched my fists and took two steps forward. Any
further would have been committing to more than I was
ready, and I tend to be shy that way. I don't like
much.

That's when the window opened and he invited me in.
I'd received many invitations before, but this was the
first one I truly took to heart.

"How long?" I asked, meaning how long would I stay,
would we be, would he exist. How long? How short?
How much? How do?

"As long as you can and will," he smiled, and that was
the end of the conversation.

Sometimes a riddle delivers no punchline. Listeners
lean in, ice cubes are silent in glasses, and breath
is held to no end. Riddles are like horizons without
witnesses. Is that the beginning? Is it the middle?
You get the point...

In fact, that's the end of the story. I went inside
and am no longer wet.







posted : 2004.Aug.10 @ 1.04am
I do hope this fits in with what you are doing, dear. ^_^

~~~

calm. serene. disonant. resonance. beat. groove. grind. sway. move. movement. movement of the mind. lust. blood. vampires. death. destruction. life. new beginnings. rhythm. love. smile. enjoyment. blush. shy. doesn't talk much. me. corner. dark. frown. truthes. breathe. in. out. in. out. stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been so long since I've done this sort of thing. I did a similar warmup to the one above then came out with this...

~~~

Train of thought. Conciousness. Loving every moment of it, yet hating the feel. Imaginations gone wild. Vivid pictures flitting across one's visual landscape. Being unsure of how to bring those images to life. Limitation by shyness and unsurity. Stop for a moment to listen to the music. Relax. Regroup. Begin again. Find what it is you mean to interpret. Find a way to interpret it. Discover a new language. Make one up of you need to. Meow. That doesn't work. We don't understand. Here, let me draw you a picture. What shall I use? Make a verbose attempt. Still no understanding. What is it you don't understand? Any of it. Hmm. Another picture. This time with lines. Random scribbles on a page to resemble something we know. Things we recognise. You don't recognise it. It's a mess. It isn't real enough. Clean it up. Make it skinnier. Depth is needed. It's too shallow. You're too shallow. You can't do this. Give it up.

No. I can't. It is a part of me. Of who I am. It is something I love more than life itself. Draw another picture. This time make it better. Do as they suggest. Follow the rules. Stay within the lines. Live in your box. Never see the light of day. Imagination fading. Ability waning. Scratch at the walls. Whimper in the darkness. Hope that somebody hears your pleas. Be silent. Fear somebody hearing you. They're all the same. It's a vicious circle. A pack of dogs, everyone trying to be the leader and not wanting to take the responsibility. Look up. Squint. What is that? Reach up and scratch at the edges. Paper peeling back. There is light. Scratch again. Frantic. Breath quickening. Heart pounding. Sounds coming through the walls. I want out. Let me out. Tears streaming down my face.

Please let me out.







posted : 2004.Aug.10 @ 7.46pm
I love what you wrote...so visceral. It feels very cathartic. Fantastic.







posted : 2004.Aug.10 @ 11.40pm
Thank you. I started another. Unfortunately I was consistently distracted during this one... I did my best to make it flow smoothly. Though it ends sort of abruptly it sort of fits.. ^_^

down. down. deep. dark. soft. wet. rain. drops. keep. falling. on. my. head. velvety. soft. pitter. patter. music. serene. joy. muted. love. unconditional. innocence. sweet. naiive. child. playing. puddles. rubber boots. umbrellas. thunder. lightening. joy. remembrance. remember. hidden. thoughts. darken. colours. bleeding. into. one. another. darkening. muddy. remember. sharp. images. innocence. spent. removed. standing. alone. watching. others. play. games. join. in. odd. one. out. trip. fall. laughter. embarrasment. pride. hurt. i can't concentrate.







posted : 2004.Aug.12 @ 3.31pm
I just returned from running errands, lots to do, hectic day. Found myself feeling grumpy. I signed onto the Fora site and was reading the stream of consciousness thread and decided that this would be a good thing for me to do right now. I decided to challenge myself by turning my head from the screen, looking outside and just went. It felt goooood. So, here it is.

Running through this busy day away from all the peace I say, wait! Wait one second, here am I supposed to be? I think not. I think I'll leave. I want to fly high above the chaos to land gently in the land of myself. I don't recall signing up for this! Fun is what I'm supposed to have and having fun is what I'll do. Just a choice, perception change can make it all work right for me. Nothing to be bothered about, nothing over which to scream and shout. I know what to do now, these annoyances, I tell them hey, I'm out!







posted : 2004.Sep.03 @ 4.16am
Damn, it's hard to feel so great and yet to have to hesitate. This minor feeling uncombined as true feelings meld with mind. I am one and only one, but separate from inside of me. I cannot tell where I am headed. My mind floats up, meaning embedded. I wish there was a way above to creep me over left of love. I never meant to fuck up badly, never meant to feel so sadly.

Now, I'm waking to the dream with everything not as it seemed. Brighter on the the other side? Next time I'll sleep less heavy mind.







posted : 2004.Sep.09 @ 7.40pm
"Get email"







posted : 2004.Sep.13 @ 9.16pm
Words
Flowing
Congealing around me
Red
Bright
Spilling on the floor
Lights
Dimming
Darkness creeps forth
Fingers
Twitch
A detatched feeling
Eyes
Close
The brightness hurts
Pain
Recedes
They took it from me
Realisation
Sorrow
Life







posted : 2004.Sep.16 @ 7.37am
My spirit is old
Yet it is blind and stumbling
Forgotten identities
As I pretend I know what I'm doing
Moving forward
Feeling
Sensing
Mixing emotions
Are they my own?
Empathic ways
Empathetic, Empathy, Spiritual Confusion
Unseen tendrils
Brushing against my heart, mind and spirit
Confusion sets in
I don't know what to do with this
This
Gift
I am tired







posted : 2004.Sep.16 @ 8.59am
Empathy is to be in touch
sometimes feeling can be too much
as you know it is not your own
release to the cosmic to be blown

I grew tired over time
allowed the negative to fill my mind
thoughts of dying young then younger
for some relief I would hunger

Learning this was theirs not mine
my energy grew over time
to be me was to have might
understanding this gift was right







posted : 2005.Jan.06 @ 3.01am
With ease I move. I see smiles. I feel love. I hear laughter.






    

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